come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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