it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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