i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
