My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
