Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
