Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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