If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
