hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Panties = found
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
