A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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