either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
