I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
