This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
