Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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