And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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