Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
