Apparently you make a good broom.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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