just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
