Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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