my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
