There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
