I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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