I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
