ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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