I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
