Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
