How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
