I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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