I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
