since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
