$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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