i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
