I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
