u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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