i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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