Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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