weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize