He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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