This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We named our party play list daddy issues
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Come see our sink grown plant.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
