Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
