When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
