I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
