o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
