she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
