What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
