Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
