I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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