Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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