Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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