She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
