I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Randomize