My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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