Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
