I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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