I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
please come you make the beer taste better
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
