saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
