Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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