dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
